Chess: The Hidden Racist Threat

You see it everywhere, held up as a fortress of intellectuality and civilization; few realize the darker lessons behind the game of strategy called chess.

For centuries, chess has been thought of as a masterful game of wit. Our elderly play it in the park; we organize inner-city leagues of children, as afterschool programs. All of this happens in our "enlightened" Western civilization; we ignore the lessons we pretend not to teach.

Behind the facade of normalcy and academia lurks a darker lesson: racism! Chess pits black against white and white against black. Has no one noticed the underlying prejudice to this supposed game? Chess was invented by white supremacists, why else does white have the first move?!

It is an outrage that our minority children are being taught to revere this hideous activity. We claim that chess teaches self-discipline and strategy. Perhaps, but the true lessons are too evil to ignore! They are being taught that, as blacks, they will never have an advantage, and that they will have to fight the white man all of their lives. White children are being taught that they are a step above their African-American counterparts, and that they must struggle to keep their black brothers down.

Not only does chess promote race wars, the horror does not stop there! Each piece has certain moves it can make, and those moves are based on the type of piece. Yes, you guessed it: not only does chess teach racism, it also glamorizes classism, snobbery, and kidnapping!

Is it a coincidence that the piece called the "queen" has the most maneuverability? The lowest piece on the scale, called the "pawn" can only move one square at a time, and only in one direction, while the queen has freedom to the whole board. This is an obvious statement to the player that the richer you are, the more power you have, you are allowed to break what are the laws for other, "lower" people.

Not only that, but to win the game, you have to "capture" your opponent’s king. We are teaching our children that kidnapping rich people, and presumably holding them for ransom is the new American path to success!

This cannot be allowed to continue! We must stand up to history and purge ourselves of the subtle racism we teach to our children! From now on, all chess sets should be printed in purple and green, and all the pieces should be able to move in the same manner. To win the game, you will "convert" each of your opponent’s pieces to your side by the same methods once used to "capture". In this way, and only this, we can save ourselves and our children from the racist legacy of past generations.